Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
