Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Randomize
