i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When are your genitals available?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
