are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
