i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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