whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
