She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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