YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize