I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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