apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize