PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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