Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
