none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
