I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
