So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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