had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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