Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
