I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
