May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
