it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
