What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
