worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
