I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
