I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
