I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
