my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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