Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
