I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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