I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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