i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There's always time for handjobs
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
