dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize