This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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