Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
