You really coming over, don't trick.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
