Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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