there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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