we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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