I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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