I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
