I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
