Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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