My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
