Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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