You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
