The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
