I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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