I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
