Who wears a wallet chain?!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Drunk is not a location!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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