GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize