Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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