i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
