Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
