i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
