You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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