I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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