and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
